I haven't done any writing today! I can't tell you how frustrating this feels.
I feel very much like the old barn on the right. A bit of a wreck. I'll explain why...
Today I went to the opticians for the first eye-test I've had in nearly 25 years. I've noticed I've become more and more short-sighted in recent years to the extent that I'm squinting at the TV and road signs. I struggle to recognise even family members at a distance. The other day I was peering at the TV text, trying to work out what the time was, when my son handed me his prescription glasses. I put them on and Bingo! The world suddenly became much clearer. I could see properly! I didn't realise I'd been going around looking at everything as if through a thin film. The trouble is, my son is severely short-sighted. So bad, in fact, that a few years ago, he could only see the large letter A at the top of the optician's sight-test board ('And even that's blurry,' he said).
It turns out that my eye sight isn't quite as bad as my son's, but not far off. I need glasses to be legal to drive, it seems. However, the worst piece of news was that I have a cataract in my right eye. The optician said I was one of the youngest people he'd seen with this condition. I am worried, I must admit! However, I have been reassured by several people now that should this get any worse and I do need an operation, it's all straightforward and those who've had it done can see perfectly well afterwards without wearing glasses.
Apparently, because I do so much reading, my close up vision is fine and my eyes have compensated. However, I have purchased some reading glasses to give my eyes a little bit of help. I will shortly be in possession of three pairs of prescription glasses: a pair to wear all the time (yikes!); a pair for reading; and a pair of prescription sunglasses to protect that right eye from UV rays to prevent the cataract getting any worse.
The only time I won't need to wear glasses is when I'm using the computer i.e. most of the time!!
I spent a long time choosing frames, particularly for the glasses I'll be wearing most of the time and, me being me, had to choose the most expensive pair in the shop! I chose a classy pair of rimless frames. Very delicate and pretty. The prescription tinted glasses are another matter! I will feel a little like Roy Orbison when I go out on sunny days! Although he didn't have a little sparkly bits on the arms of his, did he?
I felt a little wobbly when I got home. I didn't think I'd have to wear glasses all the time. The phrase: Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses! kept coming into my head, which is silly, because I'm a married woman and shouldn't have to worry about such things! The other strong feeling is of getting old! Body parts are obviously deteriorating (remember all the trouble I had with my teeth?). I just keep imagining myself as a little toothless old lady who's virtually blind and can't read books anymore. Remember those games we used to play when we were younger: Which faculty would you rather lose? Your sight or your hearing? Aargh!!! Neither!
I'll get over it! It's just another life change. A fairly small one in the scheme of things, but a bit of a landmark day.
I'm having an energy slump at the moment! I'm not sure whether it's because my body is fighting off some sort of cold or what it is. My exercise regime has gone out of the window this week, but I am trying to compensate by 'eating clean', drinking lots of water, no alcohol and resting as much as possible.
I got a rejection from one of the women's magazines yesterday, which hasn't helped this gloomy feeling that has suddenly descended. It was a 1,000 word short story, and I was told there were no surprises. Does there have to be a surprise? Clearly. I'm not very good at surprises, however. Perhaps an area to work on?
Now I'm doubting my abilities in every area again. This sense of failure permeates everything I do and has done from an early age. I wish I could get over it! These feelings become so overwhelming that I tend to freeze and do very little for a while. I know I have to keep plugging away in the face of rejection, but it's one of the hardest things about being a writer. We're constantly looking for recognition that our work is worthwhile.
And just how many writing projects should I have on the go at any one time? I have many literary short stories I'd like to collate and send off to The Scott Prize. I'd like to research more online journals and see if I can write something suitable. I'd like to finish my novel. I'd like to finish the pocket novel for My Weekly. Can I do all that and more? Or am I biting off more than I can chew?
My gremlin is peering over my shoulder as I write this, whispering, 'What's the point? You're wasting your time. Admit it, you're never going to get published ever again. Face it, it's been too long since you last got anything published! Did you really expect to make any money out of this writing lark?' and so on.... Perhaps I could either shout really loudly at my gremlin or shoot him?
Issue 6 of The Yellow Room Magazine is still with the typesetter.